I am JaKePositive...I am a Homosexual...I am a Filipino...I am a Proud Ilonggo... I am HIV + since June 2010... I started my ARV Treatment May 4,2013 since my CD4 dropped to 107... I am here to RAISE AWARENESS... I am here to ENCOURAGE HIV TESTING... I am here to SUPPORT MY BROTHER'S and SISTER'S who are living with HIV... I am an ADVOCATE FOR CHANGE...

Thursday, August 16, 2012




After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

MY THOUGHTS: I had my depression since day 1 of my diagnosis but as the day pass by it gets deeper and deeper and deeper, I was letting myself to sink to the quicksand of depression. I start to lack the enthusiasm to work. I was able to do horrible mistakes with work like swapping orders and charge it with another persons credit card. During our 1hour lunch I slept 2hrs just to catch up with my sleeping hours that I lack. It was a nightmare and I was very unproductive. I wasn't suicidal though and I never had ideations in taking my life.  I was feeling worthless, disgust, helpless, uncomfortable . The only person that I was able to talk talk about what I am undergoing is my best friend. He was with me all the way, from day 1 until now. He knows what I feel and tries hard to cheer me up, but I fake it out. I tell him that I am ok but still I was in the quicksand of depression. He never gave up on me and so I held my HOPES on to that.
I recovered quickly from depression, my best friend threw a ROPE OF HOPE to me and I reached for it and climbed up. I was rescued from the quicksand of depression.
I owe it to my best friend and also my family and relatives which eventually showed their support to me and assured me that everything is going to be alright. 
Even today I still do have some dull moments from time to time but, I just become OPTIMISTIC, I never loose HOPE, I always look forward for a brighter future. And it overpowered my depression. 

 JaKe Positive. BE SAFE! +)

SOURCE: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ 




Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my partner again if you’ll just let him live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”
We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

MY THOUGHTS:  Bargaining has been what I was doing a couple of weeks after my diagnosis. I was constantly praying the rosary and asking spiritual guidance and I was asking GOD to wake me up of this bad dream that I was into. I was visiting the adoration chapel almost everyday talking to him and asking him for forgiveness and begging him to reverse what has been done. But as days pass by I don't get any answer. I was desperate and really persistent in bargaining. Nothing, nothing really happened at all.
I was also having realizations like "What if I did it safely with everybody? would I still have the same scenario?" What if I just controlled myself with my urge? will I be able to avoid this incident?" "If only I was more careful with the person's I meet up and have sex with." " If only I stayed just at work and at home and don't do other sexual activities to fulfill my fantasies and feed my urge." It went on and on and on and on . . .  It was pure torture.... Everytime I wake up I would grab my bag and pull out my HIV test result hoping that I just misunderstood it, that it was NON-REACTIVE .... I was finding reasons and ways that would help me forget those painful memories. EVENTUALLY I GAVE UP  WITH BARGAINING.... Had a realization that I have to face this and do something with it.

JaKe Positive. BE SAFE! +)

SOURCE: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ 






Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?
Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – - your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

MY THOUGHTS:  Anger was not able to take over me. I was able to control it. Others felt extreme anger that they begin to continue their habit of unprotected sex for the sole purpose of infecting other. I was not like that. I didn't even blame GOD for leading my life into this. I was a very patient person and a forgiving one. But there were instances that I was not able to feel extreme anger but I vent it out by crying. 
When both of my uncles knew my HIV status they seemed to be very hesitant to let me stay in their house. So when I had my STI treated they bought be a ticket for me to have a one week stay at our province and also to unwind and be able to be with my family. After that week when I got back to Manila they already arranged an apartment for me to stay while I was recovering  and I was all alone there. Dad used to sleep with me though during weekends because he is also working in Manila. But those 5 long weekdays, I was left there alone and I almost cried all day and also I can't sleep so I have to take my antihistamines fr the purpose of me to get drowsy and eventually fall to sleep. I did that for a week or two.
I was angry with my relatives because they dumped me just like that. They did some alibi's like "we have visitors coming so the house would be full". I didn't complain, they didn't hear anything from me. But deep inside I was hurting, HURTING LIKE HELL! I was like an outcast. I will never forget those sad days when I cry almost every night on the veranda and just stay there for hours, alone. 
But I forgive them. I know that it wasn't their fault and they weren't educated with my condition. 

JaKe Positive. BE SAFE! +)

SOURCE: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/


The stages have evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.

  This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

MY THOUGHTS: I can still remember the day when the Medical Technologist sent me an SMS saying that I can pick up my HIV result. Hearing her say that made me nervous but I was still calm and composed. So I fixed myself and decided to go and pick-up my test result. 
I arrived in the place and she greeted me with a smile. A smile that gives me assurance that everything is gonna be ok. She asked me something before she handed me the result, sealed in an envelope. "What would your reaction be if it turns out positive?", she asked. "I seriously don't know." I answered. She discussed several things before she handed me the envelope. I took hold of it and opened it .... It says REACTIVE for HIV. I looked at her and handed the result back to her. She explained the test result further. I tried to listen but I wasn't. I was just looking at her and nodding and hardly understood what she was saying. She asked me what I am feeling. I replied, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She tapped me on my back and said, it's not too late for you. She informed me of support groups and also stressed out my need to see an Infectious Disease Doctor for my Health Evaluation. I told her i'll do it and said my goodbye.
On my way out of the hospital I called my best friend. He was anxiously waiting for my result and once he answered my call he asked me right away if what was the result. I said, Yes It is POSITIVE, I am HIV+. Upon hearing that he bursted into tears and I suddenly tears start to fall on my face. Hearing him cry made me so emotional. I was walking along PGH around 2pm and I was crying but I try to just bend my head to conceal what i am undergoing to the people around me. Took the MRT going home, just standing and just looking far away, and I was talking to myself that thing couldn't happen, this is not possible. Tears start to fall again but I tried to stop it and just plugged in my earphones to listen to some lively music. It did help a little, I was relieved but still random thought's about what's going to happen still runs in my head. As I entered the my uncles house, i went straight to my room and just laid down. I didn't notice the time but I was awake but my mind is stuck somewhere else. I wasn't able to sleep that night and went straight to work. My shift was 12mn to 8am. IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

JaKe Positive. BE SAFE! +)

SOURCE: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/


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