Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my partner again if you’ll just let him live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”
We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
MY THOUGHTS: Bargaining has been what I was doing a couple of weeks after my diagnosis. I was constantly praying the rosary and asking spiritual guidance and I was asking GOD to wake me up of this bad dream that I was into. I was visiting the adoration chapel almost everyday talking to him and asking him for forgiveness and begging him to reverse what has been done. But as days pass by I don't get any answer. I was desperate and really persistent in bargaining. Nothing, nothing really happened at all.
I was also having realizations like "What if I did it safely with everybody? would I still have the same scenario?" What if I just controlled myself with my urge? will I be able to avoid this incident?" "If only I was more careful with the person's I meet up and have sex with." " If only I stayed just at work and at home and don't do other sexual activities to fulfill my fantasies and feed my urge." It went on and on and on and on . . . It was pure torture.... Everytime I wake up I would grab my bag and pull out my HIV test result hoping that I just misunderstood it, that it was NON-REACTIVE .... I was finding reasons and ways that would help me forget those painful memories. EVENTUALLY I GAVE UP WITH BARGAINING.... Had a realization that I have to face this and do something with it.
JaKe Positive. BE SAFE! +)